This week always creeps up and kind of surprises me, granted, time passes in it’s usual manner but there is something about the first week of July that I can never see coming. It always seems like Memorial Day was just last week and than bam, 4th of July is here and every highway is jam packed, airports are overrun with stressed out people, golf courses are full and everyone is ready to blow shit up. I’d like to think that it’s because I am sooo busy that I just can’t keep track of the dates but three years in a row I have been astonished to realize that yet another independence day is knocking at the door, so I am beginning to think that my subconscious is playing tricks on me. This week forces me to celebrate a different sort of independence, one that was sort of forced upon me by the likes of fate, or cancer or God or whatever you’d like to call it.
Three years ago today my mother died from Pancreatic Cancer, and five years prior to that my brother died this very same week in July. So, the 4th of July fills my head with a twisted mix of memories; pool parties and funeral parlors, Barbeques and Chemo drips, long nights spent is cold hospitals and days that go on forever in the summer sun. It is a week that reminds me that life is kind of like that, happiness and sadness mixed together to creates some sort of effed up balance. Happiness and sadness side by side, arm in arm, you can’t have one without the other or some sort of crap like that. Crap that I kind of think is true but kind of totally sucks at the very same time, anyway, I am rambling and all I really wanted to do was acknowledge it, to look back in wonder at the passage of time and the flexibility of the human heart, and be amazed that it has been three years since I sat in the kitchen with my mother talking for hours about nothing at all and eight since my brother and I shared our last inside joke. It was a lifetime ago and just yesterday all mixed up in one gaping hole of shock and awe with a smattering of disbelief.
The beginning….Doug, Mom and me.
The happiness part of the equation goes something like this, life is good, people are good and I knew two of the very best. I could go and on and on and say how great they were, and they truly were, but really it is the little moments of in-between that fill up a life with happiness, and it is the quirky in-between times that you miss the most. The smelly snowboard boots, the hunt for lost car keys, sketchy moments in the car with my mother swerving every time a hawk flew over head, sketchy moments in the car with my brother driving to snowboarding events. The little things, the chasing butterflies and fireflies and secret sibling clubs, the smell of nectarines and jellybeans and hiking in the woods, all these nothing moments are what have filled my life with happiness and I feel like I recognize more of these moments in the present because of the loss, or maybe that is just a lie I tell myself to justify the unthinkable. Who knows, all I know is that today I will look for Hawks in the sky and come the 9th I will look for butterflies and remember that life is good, people are good and I will enjoy it while it lasts. If you have made it thus far, thanks for enduring my trip down memory lane, death is something that you never quite get used to. So, Tra la la la……I am in Mexico, Hola Beaches, life goes on…..xoxo tricia